Writing greeting cards....

...sucks. I seriously suck at writing cards for birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, etc. I'm trying to write one now for my roomie's birthday (yes, while I'm at work). She is an awesome person, but how do I say that on the card when my other two roomies wrote like 2 paragraphs? I can't even write cards for my own boyfriend. I seriously have to think so hard and I keep writing until it feels long enough, lol. I feel bad when I receive cards with such nice, long, thoughtful messages, and my card to them is along the lines of, "Hope you have a good birthday!" That's like facebook wall post status. Okay, I'm going to try again.

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Can it be?

It's been about a week since I've started looking for jobs, and so far I have gotten calls or e-mails form 5 companies! And 4 of them were not for jobs that I had applied for, which means they had to have come from Monster.com. This is really blowing my mind. I've been hearing everywhere from everyone how hard it is to find jobs.... but jobs are finding me? Lil ole me? I have always doubted myself, so this is really a boost to my confidence. UNFORTUNATELY, I am not available for any of those jobs! One was in Wisconsin. They said they would pay for relocation.... but Wisconsin is just not a place where I ever would think to live. The one from Long Beach needed someone right away... like next week. The recruiter did say to call them if I haven't found anything when it's closer to my move date and they'll see if they have any positions (which leaves me quite hopeful!) One was a 6 month assignment in Foster City, but I didn't reply because I'm looking for SoCal jobs. One was working for a consulting company in San Francisco. I've been corresponding with the recruiter through e-mail, but I don't know if I'm wasting both our time. She says she has a few positions available, but didn't say where. I am going to guess they are only in the Bay Area, but some people told me to use these companies for interview practice. I thought that would be a good idea... but would it be a waste of time? I would have to find time off, etc.... Would it be more worth my time to just interview for the jobs I want? Anyway, I am still corresponding with the recruiter to see where it goes. Maybe she will know of positions in SoCal, who knows... And today, I got a call from Genentech! My heart went pounding. Then the recruiter said they are looking for someone to work a 2 week assignment. Wtf, 2 weeks? Companies really do that? Then I had an internal battle whether to ask if there were other jobs available or not, or to request she call me another time if another opportunity comes up. It's Genentech, one of the best companies to work for (they rank #7 this year)! But... I also really want to move back home. Anyway, it was too late, I didn't say anything, and the phone call ended. Now that I think back, I should've said something! If Genentech wants me, I would be willing to stay another year. I wasn't thinking too clearly about how it could've affected my career, and too much about my need to come home.... But anyway, I'm going to try to stay optimistic. I will find a job, I will move to SoCal, and I will move in with my beloved. :)

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Finally doing it!

Okay, after months of moaning, complaining, and speculating, I have finally officially started my job search! I sent my resume out last night to about 5 companies and posted my resume on Monster.com. This morning I got an e-mail from a recruiter, but the position required relocation to Wisconsin. So that was a "no" for me. An hour ago, I got a call from another recruiter from a Long Beach company. I haven't called back yet because I am a little nervous and I am at work (but for some reason I think it's okay to blog while at work....) I feel a new energy now that I got this ball rolling. I should be realistic though and not expect a job to come up easily. I feel like I got to my current job position way too easy and God won't let me find another job that easily again. It would be sweet if He did though.... So now is finally the time to tell my roomies so that they can make arrangements to replace me. I've been holding it back for so long because I've been flip-flopping so much about my decision and I hate bringing bad news to people. I will miss the Bay Area, but I am so ready to be back in SoCal.

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Can your SO be "stolen?"

There was one girl who I vowed to hate for the rest of my life. It was the girl who stole my ex-boyfriend. She was a new friend he had made through an organization on campus while we were in college. When I first met her she seemed nice. Then as time went on I started to suspect something between them. I noticed they were becoming better friends, and the way she would ask him for favors, post messages on his Facebook, chat online, and interact with him made me feel uncomfortable. I approached him about it, but he reassured me that they were just friends and that he could never date someone like her. He even brought us both to lunch once because he wanted us to get along. A little while later we broke up, and about a month or 2 afterwards, he told me he was already seeing someone. As soon as he said that sentence, I already knew who it was.

I was devastated. The timeline I put together made me certain that they liked each other while I was with him, and that the day he broke up with me is probably the day they decided they wanted to be together, maybe even possibly cheated (it's not confirmed... but I don't want to fill up this whole post with why I'm pretty sure that's what happened. I'll just say that events transpired that led me to believe this). I hated him for betraying me. But I truly hated this girl. This heartless, monstrous bitch, who plotted, schemed, and stole her way into his heart.

Since then, I've had a long time to reflect on our relationship and what went wrong. We were having problems during this time. We almost broke up, took a break, and stayed together. I think around the time he started liking her, he was already gone from the relationship. Whether or not this girl was in the picture, we would have broken up because we were just not right for each other. And if he was already "gone" from me (mentally, at least), that means he could not have been "stolen." Nevertheless, while I have forgiven him, it is hard for me to forgive her. I still can't look at pictures of her without feelings of disgust and hatred.

Do you think an SO can be stolen or is he/she already gone? Have you ever stolen another person's SO?

**Edit: The datingish blog featured my post! http://www.datingish.com/715286358/can-your-so-be-stolen/

I'm still here

It's October already and I haven't moved. Obviously something went wrong. Of course writing it on the blog wouldn't prevent me from flip-flopping once again. Again, I am not sure about what I should do. My work contract ends in March, so I have a job for another 5 months. My boss is trying hard to get me a position. If a position opens for me, I'll take it, but I do not know how likely it will happen. My boss said the director of our group would try to make a business justification to upper management. But then at a meeting recently, she was telling us the president wants more work to be done with less resources. So that doesn't sound very comforting at all. And also, with the whole recession thing, I thought it might be foolish to be picky with jobs and maybe I should be looking in NorCal and SoCal. I have no idea when I should start. I would like to finish my contract, but would it be better to just take whatever comes along? Would it look bad if I didn't fulfill my contract? Especially since I got another extension? If my goal is to work in March, when should I start looking and would employers be willing to wait for me? So confused!

I really do want to be back in SoCal, though. I feel like I'm watching my life pass me by and I'm just sitting here not doing anything.

Songs I never get tired of listening to

Thank you to Pandora.com for inspiring me to make this list.  And boredom, lol.

One Headlight -- The Wallflowers

Everlong -- Foo Fighters

With or Without You -- U2

Island in the Sun -- Weezer

Under the Bridge -- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Don't Stop Believin' -- Journey

 

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We're all in this together

The firing last week really affected me and the coming lay offs are too. Talking to other friends, I realized that a lot of people are going through the same thing. I know we are in a recession and thousands of Americans are unemployed. The magnitude of it didn't hit me until I saw it happening first hand. I was pretty down last week and I felt the whole mood of my workplace get even lower than it was before. I told my friends how I was feeling, and they told me that they also saw people getting fired or laid off, and it's affected everyone in their workplace too. The reality hit me. Everywhere, people are losing their jobs. Morale is low in every office across America. It's a little comforting to know that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling, although it sucks more for the people on the other side who are jobless....

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I've made a decision

I'm going to post it here so I don't chicken out again.

I'm moving to Socal in October.

I'm going to try to find a job and move in with my parents. Then in January, Erik and I will move in together.

And that's final. :D

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Don't move for a guy?

Two posts in one night. I don't know why I'm such a blogging mood.

I seriously feel like my relationship is on the rocks. I think I'm being worn down by the long distance. I almost broke up with Erik about a month ago. I just felt like I couldn't handle the distance anymore. We talked about it for a long time and decided to stay together. He said he would make more effort to make time for me and I would try to be stronger and more understanding of his time commitments. I told him I seriously don't know if I can handle two more years of long distance. He told me he sometimes thinks he should let me go because he thinks he's being unfair to me.

It seems like the only thing that can save our relationship is if I move back to Socal to be closer to him. He's coming back for the summer soon and I'm so happy to be with him again. But I'm afraid that after this summer things will go back to the way they used to be and I'll be unhappy again. We've been talking a lot about possibly moving in together at the beginning of next year.

Either with Erik, someone else, or myself, I think I am ready to move back to Socal and leave the Bay Area. I really love the Bay and I wish I could explore it more, but what's the use if there's no one to explore it with? I've been living here for 6 years, I think I'm done with it. I miss Socal. Part of me wonders if I would feel the same way if I were single. Honestly? I think I would stay up here if I was single.

I admit it. I want to move for Erik. I try to tell myself it's for my family, it's for my friends. And it is for them, but deep inside, I know a big reason is for Erik. There are a lot of things to consider. Finding a job is the biggest issue. As we all know, the economy sucks right now. How long would it take for me to find a job and how stable would it be? Also, people are moving to areas in order to find jobs. I would be moving away from where the jobs for me are. (There's a wealth of biotech companies in the Bay Area... not so much in LA... I've been looking...) How much sense does that make in this economic climate?

A couple of my girlfriends said I shouldn't move for a guy. That's also what I would've said to anyone else if wasn't going through what I'm going through now. I think now, "Why not?" He's the love of my life. I see a great future ahead of us. I found a great post on datingish.com: http://www.datingish.com/704054702/grownup-love/ The post ends by saying love is a sacrifice. So which is the bigger sacrifice? Leaving financial security during an economic crisis or enduring 2 more years of lonely nights with only a few days in between to be physically together?

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Taste of the real corporate world

Yesterday I experienced something that happens at every company. Everyone knows it happens, but to see it happen in front of my eyes to someone I know was a big shock and yet opened my eyes to the realities of the corporate world. My boss boss got fired. It was terrible. I still can't believe it happened. I have a lot of respect for him and I felt he was really contributing to my growth in this industry. I really felt like he cared about my future and wanted to help me learn everything I can. I saw him as a teacher. I almost cried watching him get escorted by the security as if he was a criminal. It was so undignifed and he did not deserve to be treated like that at all, for whatever reason he was fired for. I feel emotional right now thinking about it.

I understand that decisions have to be made that are in the best interest of the company. The managers have their reasons for firing him and it seems like they thought long and hard before making this decision. However, I and everyone else who was managed by him cannot think of one reason why they would fire him. From my interactions with him, he seemed like a good scientist. Perhaps he was too much of a scientist and not business minded enough? I will never know..... I guess that's what I'm learning being in biotech. You can be doing amazing research, but if it doesn't align with what the company wants, you're out. Honestly, sometimes I did think he didn't belong at a company and fit in more in an academic environment.

I really, truly wish him the best. He deserves it. And I also hope I get a chance to thank him for what he's done for my professional growth.

Sigh. Work is getting so depressing. With all the lay-offs and people quitting, I'm starting to think now is the time for me to leave too.

If only the economy wasn't so bad...

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Chemistry

I never knew what it really meant to have great chemistry with someone until I met Erik.  We totally clicked since the first time we met.  It's amazing to me that after being together for almost 3 years, the chemistry is still there.  It's hard to explain what it feels like.  You just know and feel that it's there.  It's that spark that never went away.  Our personalities just work with each other so well.  We can have a conversation and totally be on the same page.  We can make each other laugh.  We can just hang out on the couch and talk and have a good time.  We've also got this strange mental connection.  Like calling each other at the exact same time, causing our phones to be busy.  Things like that have happened more than once throughout the whole time we've been together.  It still kind of freaks me out actually, lol.  We call it our "ESPN" (a la Mean Girls).  Anyway, we have this fire that I've never felt before with anyone else.

Meeting Erik taught me that chemistry can't be forced.  During my single phase, there were a couple or so guys that I tried "talking" to or whatever.  I tried to be something I was not and the times I hung out or talked with these guys always felt forced.  Sometimes even awkward.  (Ok, maybe really awkward.... I hope to God I never have to see them again....)  I only wanted to talk to them for superficial reasons, but I found out quickly that our personalities didn't match at all and there was really nothing there to pursue.  Thinking to my last relationship, I don't think my chemistry with him was that great either.  I think it's very rare to find someone you have great chemistry with, and I am very lucky to have found one for myself.

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That's it

Regarding the post below, this will probably be the last post that mentions anything about my ex. I finally got the guts to send him another e-mail through Facebook. I felt like instant messaging was really just too much, and e-mail was much more appropriate. He hasn't responded and I'm not really expecting one. I'm glad I did it. I know he will see that message (because everybody does Facebook!) and if he wants to talk to me again, then cool. I will be glad if he feels the same way as I do and hopes to somehow fix the horrible way we left off. If he chooses not to respond, then that's cool also. I feel like I'm the bigger person for reaching out to him. There may be a lot of reasons why he doesn't, but it doesn't matter. I needed this closure, and I got it. I feel lighter now, and it's great. Now I can stop thinking about him.

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The Ex

I haven't talked to my ex in over 3 years.  He was my first boyfriend and we were together for about 1.5 years.  The breakup was pretty horrible and I pretty much told him that I didn't want him in my life anymore and would never speak to him again.  Actually, the exact words I used were, "You don't exist to me anymore." ....  Pretty harsh sounding to me.....  Now 3 years later, it pains me to know that those were the last words I ever spoke to him.  I really wish we had ended on better terms.  Especially with him being my first love.  So about 2 months ago, I sent him an e-mail telling him how I feel about how we ended and hoping we can maybe be friendly with each other.  Or, you know, not be strangers.  I also told him I forgive him for hurting me so much.  I know that there is very little chance that we will ever run into each other, but if the Universe somehow puts us at the same place at the same time, I hope that we can smile and say hi to each other rather than ignoring and pretended we didn't see each other (like we've done when we ran into each other around campus.....)  I'm not expecting a friendship, but I've never been one to have enemies.  I don't want him to think that I'll hate him forever. 

Anyway, about the e-mail.  So, like I said, it was a horrible break up.  I did hate him for a time.  I got rid of everything that reminded me of him, including e-mails.  So, since I no longer had his e-mail address, I had to go in Facebook, find him, and use the e-mail address that was posted.  The only one I found was his college e-mail.  I know he should be graduated by now, so I wasn't sure how often he checks that e-mail, but I sent it anyway.  Someone said I could've sent the e-mail through Facebook.  But I feel like it's too.... close?  We're not even Facebook friends (yeah, I de-friended him too...) so I felt uncomfortable sending it through there.  2 months have passed by and I haven't heard back from him.  There can only be 2 scenarios.  Either he just hasn't read it because he doesn't check that address, or he has read it, but doesn't feel a need to respond.  I really want him to know how I feel and really want some kind of response from him, or at least let me know that he read it.  So I've been wrestling with the idea of imming him.  I still remember his screen name, so I added him to my buddy list.  Almost everyday, I look at his screen name, want to talk to him, but am too scared and don't.  It took so much for me to write the e-mail and to send it.  But to actually have real time contact with him after so long is very scary.  What do I say to him?  This is how I feel like the conversation could go:

Me:  hi

Him:  hi?

Me:  this is Erika.  your ex.  how are you?

Him:  ok, I guess

Me:  so... I sent you an e-mail.  did you get a chance to read it?

Him:  yeah

Me:  oh....

Him:  I think you need to get over it

Me:  ok, nice talking to you. bye

****

One word:  AWKWARD

Seriously, how do you open up a conversation with someone you kinda burned a bridge with??

And another thing:  Should I even attempt to contact him?  Was the e-mail enough?  Should I just let it be and leave well enough alone?  My friend said I just need to have the balls to do it.  My boyfriend, who has been very supportive of me through this whole thing, told me maybe I should just forget about it.  And maybe I should, since I feel like I can't get the balls to able to do it.....  But it keeps lingering in my mind.  Will I eventually forget about it or will it be at the back of my mind forever?

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On the weather:

[15:27] Q: its 420 tday
[15:27] Q: and we're definitely all baked whether we liek it or not

 

Lolz!!

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new addiction... and other stuff

There's a website I'm addicted to in addition to www.fmylife.com. It's a blog about relationships. See it here: www.datingish.com. A lot of the posts are really insightful and make you think. Some posts are funny. Like this one about a girl accidentally losing her virginity: http://www.datingish.com/698867336/somy-friend-accidentally-lost-her-virginity/. Most of the people who write on this site are college and high school aged. I usually try to stay away from the ones I think are written by high schoolers because I really don't think I can learn anything from them. I like reading this blog so much because they cover a wealth of topics that come up during relationships, from the awkward "friends or something more?" stage (http://www.datingish.com/698949727/dear-dr-datingish-can-you-be-close-friends-who-cuddle/) to the the "sitting on the couch in sweats watching TV" stage (http://www.datingish.com/698578568/date-nights-become-nonexistent-in-long-relationships/) and they're usually pretty relatable. And if they aren't relatable, I like reading people's experiences. So check it out! My favorite blogger is Miss Ostrich: http://www.datingish.com/tags/authormissostrich/.

Next week will be a fun filled week. On Wednesday is the Britney Spears concert (excited!), Thursday is community service day at work (I'm going to help clean up a park), and on Friday I leave for SoCal for the weekend! I get to see my babe and my family, who I haven't see since Christmas.

I talked to Erik about how I feel about long distance. He told me to do whatever makes me happy. If being in SoCal will make me happier, then I should just do it. Though I think he may be a bit biased because that means he'll be closer to me. Long distance is hard on the both of us. I also told him about how I liked my job, but I get lonely up here and didn't know what I should do. He said my happiness may be more important than the job, but he did recognize that I might regret leaving the job if my new job ends up sucking. So he said, maybe if I stayed at my job for 2 more years until he graduates and he finds a good job, I can move in with him in SoCal and can work at whatever job I want while he supports me (because I have a feeling the jobs in LA won't pay me as much as the job I have now -- there are mostly start ups, small companies, or academic research jobs). Moving in together is a HUGE deal. I felt really touched that he was thinking that far into the future. I know I shouldn't think so much into it now since it's 2 years away, but the thought of living with him excites me and scares me. It would be wonderful to have him everyday, waking up together, going to sleep together, making meals together. But doesn't this sort of thing usually leady to marriage? (Eeep!) Or possibly worse, non-marriage? (See the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." Jennifer Aniston's character lives with her boyfriend for 7 years and keeps hoping for him to propose, but he's too comfortable with the way things are and sees no need to get married.) I do see him in my future and I hope he does end up being the One. But I'm not going to be naive and say that he is at this moment. I think life would be great to live with him. But how long would it last? What if we get sick of each other and break up? Wouldn't that be the most awkward thing if we lived together? (See another Jennifer Aniston movie, "The Break Up".) And would my family disown me? (Lol... conservative family....) I guess all these thoughts are valid fears when make a big decision like moving in with a significant other. But I don't need to dwell on these for another 2 years (if we are still together by then).

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long distance.........

Long distance is hard. This is the second year that my boyfriend and I are in one. But I think it's harder on me as it is for him. Last year, we were both in school, so we were both very busy studying, doing hw, etc. Now, I'm graduated and working while he's still a student. So now I come home to all this free time that I could be spending with him, but can't. Meanwhile, he's away at school, studying, meeting new people, keeping himself occupied. He can get his mind off missing me with all the stuff he needs to do. But for me, I've got all this free time to miss him. It's so hard not having him here physically. My roommate has a boyfriend who is over all the time, and I envy them. It's not fair. I never wanted to be in a long distance relationship. I almost didn't date him because I knew he would be transferring to another school and it may be far away. But I fell in love and couldn't say no. He's got two more years left. I don't know if I can last another 2 years. I'm barely making it through this year, and he's only been away since Jan (he took fall quarter off). Maybe I just need to give it more time. He was here for so long that I have to get used to being in long distance again, and I remember the beginning was really rough last time So it's like starting over again. Maybe after a while, I won't miss him so much. I feel like it's different this time, though. The difference being that I am now a working woman and he is a student. I want to do things. I want to go exploring, go on adventures, do random things. And I want to do them with him. But the distance makes that impossible. I don't know, sometimes I feel like my young adulthood is wasting away.... But what am I supposed to do? I love him. I am not getting what I want or need out of this relationship. But would it be worse to not be in a relationship at all? I can't just say I don't want to be with you anymore because you can't be here physically... the feelings will still be there. But I don't feel complete. I feel like I'm not enjoying life as I should be as a young adult, new graduate, working my first job, starting my career.

Moving to SoCal is an option. I have been thinking seriously about this. Not just for him, but for my family too. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things going on with my family. But I enjoy the job I have right now (in biotech) and I really feel like I will gain a lot out of it. I feel like I can really grow at this job, even though it's my first job. I like my coworkers and I like my boss. The location is just right, the opportunities for growth are there... And even if I don't stay with the company, there are a wealth of jobs I can get elsewhere in the Bay Area. SoCal will not have as many jobs for me (unless I move to San Diego...). What will make me more happy in the end? Fufilling my career or fufilling my love life?

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le sigh

Erik just left for school again and I'm feeling very lonely. The Bay Area is not so exciting anymore. Every day has become routine. I do like my job and, being in research, it is different every day. But my life overall feels bland. It's wake up, go to work, go home, dinner, TV, sleep. I get sad when I think about how it is now and how it was when I was in college. I went out so much and did so many things with different people. I had fun in college... A LOT of fun. Somehow everyone I knew (or most of the people I used to hang out with during college) moved away. And now life is so dull. I never do anything. Once in a while I'll go out with my roommates. But they've got their own things going on. I think I might be done with the Bay. I'm seriously considering moving back to SoCal at the end of the year...

music reawakened

I just bought a keyboard this weekend and I am so glad I did. I feel like something inside me has awakened again. I'm so motivated to learn new songs and relearn old ones. Maybe I'll finally make my own song. It's so great to have music again. I spent a lot of money on it, but I think it will be worth it. Too bad that means I'm going to have to sacrifice the trip I wanted Erik and I to take.... Either no trip or no musicals, and I know I can't afford both anymore with the dough I just dropped on my keyboard. I think I choose musicals since they only come here once in a while. :)

Maybe I will get back into singing somehow too. I've been looking for choirs in the bay area, but they only have old people in it. Maybe I'll try out for a musical in some community theater. It would be so great to sing again. I really miss it. I didn't realize just how much I missed having music in my life.

i fail

Ok, I fail. The last time I wrote was 7 months ago. I stuck to the Abs Diet for only a month.... Well, spring is almost here which means summer is almost here. So I'm going to attempt to get fit again. I'll start out by joining a gym and doing some running. Maybe join a class or something. Gotta get this body ready by summer. I must, I must, I must!