I haven't talked to my ex in over 3 years. He was my first boyfriend and we were together for about 1.5 years. The breakup was pretty horrible and I pretty much told him that I didn't want him in my life anymore and would never speak to him again. Actually, the exact words I used were, "You don't exist to me anymore." .... Pretty harsh sounding to me..... Now 3 years later, it pains me to know that those were the last words I ever spoke to him. I really wish we had ended on better terms. Especially with him being my first love. So about 2 months ago, I sent him an e-mail telling him how I feel about how we ended and hoping we can maybe be friendly with each other. Or, you know, not be strangers. I also told him I forgive him for hurting me so much. I know that there is very little chance that we will ever run into each other, but if the Universe somehow puts us at the same place at the same time, I hope that we can smile and say hi to each other rather than ignoring and pretended we didn't see each other (like we've done when we ran into each other around campus.....) I'm not expecting a friendship, but I've never been one to have enemies. I don't want him to think that I'll hate him forever.
Anyway, about the e-mail. So, like I said, it was a horrible break up. I did hate him for a time. I got rid of everything that reminded me of him, including e-mails. So, since I no longer had his e-mail address, I had to go in Facebook, find him, and use the e-mail address that was posted. The only one I found was his college e-mail. I know he should be graduated by now, so I wasn't sure how often he checks that e-mail, but I sent it anyway. Someone said I could've sent the e-mail through Facebook. But I feel like it's too.... close? We're not even Facebook friends (yeah, I de-friended him too...) so I felt uncomfortable sending it through there. 2 months have passed by and I haven't heard back from him. There can only be 2 scenarios. Either he just hasn't read it because he doesn't check that address, or he has read it, but doesn't feel a need to respond. I really want him to know how I feel and really want some kind of response from him, or at least let me know that he read it. So I've been wrestling with the idea of imming him. I still remember his screen name, so I added him to my buddy list. Almost everyday, I look at his screen name, want to talk to him, but am too scared and don't. It took so much for me to write the e-mail and to send it. But to actually have real time contact with him after so long is very scary. What do I say to him? This is how I feel like the conversation could go:
Me: hi
Him: hi?
Me: this is Erika. your ex. how are you?
Him: ok, I guess
Me: so... I sent you an e-mail. did you get a chance to read it?
Him: yeah
Me: oh....
Him: I think you need to get over it
Me: ok, nice talking to you. bye
****
One word: AWKWARD
Seriously, how do you open up a conversation with someone you kinda burned a bridge with??
And another thing: Should I even attempt to contact him? Was the e-mail enough? Should I just let it be and leave well enough alone? My friend said I just need to have the balls to do it. My boyfriend, who has been very supportive of me through this whole thing, told me maybe I should just forget about it. And maybe I should, since I feel like I can't get the balls to able to do it..... But it keeps lingering in my mind. Will I eventually forget about it or will it be at the back of my mind forever?
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